Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize