You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
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What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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