"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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