im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
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All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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