Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
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I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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