great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize