I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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