I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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