Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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