sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up under a house in Key West
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