I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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