Old men and throwing up are my life now.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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