I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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