Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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