i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize