Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
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As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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