Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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