plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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