u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
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The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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