ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
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I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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