Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize