rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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