totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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