I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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