and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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