Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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