I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
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I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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