I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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