I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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