Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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