Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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