She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
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I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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