You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think my moral compass just broke
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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