I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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