the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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