Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
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Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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