as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
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who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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