3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize