Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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