it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
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just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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