like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
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Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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