So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
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I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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