this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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