I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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