I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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