It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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