call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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