I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
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I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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