I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
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Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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