she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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